Better Questions Than “How Was School?” That Help Build Resilient, Emotionally Strong Kids

Ever wondered if you could ask your teenager a better questions than "How was school?"

Schools in New Zealand have started again this month, which brings us to today's topic - the dreaded question: “How was school today?" The most common answers are: ”Fine.” “Okay.”

Most parents know this conversation loop. The problem is not that children don’t want to talk — it’s that the question is too vague. Psychologist and author Amy Morin suggests replacing broad questions with specific, reflective, and emotionally open prompts, and a growing body of research supports this approach.

Research shows that when parents ask open-ended, elaborative questions, children give longer, more detailed responses and develop stronger thinking and communication skills. Parent-child conversations are also closely linked to children’s empathy, emotional competence, and moral development, highlighting how everyday dialogue shapes social and emotional growth.

In addition, studies on emotion coaching show that parents who regularly talk with children about feelings and learning experiences support better self-regulation, resilience, and social outcomes.

Small changes in the questions we ask can therefore make a big difference.

“What was the best part of your day?”

This helps your child’s brain scan for positives, strengthening optimism and gratitude. Positive, warm parent-child communication is associated with better developmental outcomes and wellbeing. (ScienceDirect)

“Who were you proud of today?”

Discussing others’ achievements helps children develop empathy and moral awareness, both strongly shaped through everyday parent-child conversations.

“What mistake did you learn from today?”

This question normalises failure and encourages a growth mindset. Reflective conversations that invite children to think about behaviour and learning help strengthen self-control and reflective thinking over time.

“Who did you help today?”

Questions that prompt reflection on behaviour and relationships help children develop social responsibility and prosocial identity, an important part of emotional competence.

“What’s one thing you could have done better today?”

Constructive reflection encourages problem-solving thinking and deeper reasoning, which research shows is stimulated by “how” and “why” style questioning.

“What’s something new you want to try?”

Encouraging children to think about new challenges supports curiosity, autonomy, and growth-focused thinking — outcomes associated with supportive, open parent-child communication environments.

“What was the most interesting thing you learned today?”

Open-ended discussion about learning strengthens language development and comprehension because interactive conversations stimulate thinking and narrative skills.

From Interrogating to Inviting

When parents shift from “How was school?” to specific, open, and emotionally reflective questions, conversations move from routine reporting to meaningful connection. Research consistently shows that warm, open parent-child dialogue supports language development, emotional regulation, empathy, and resilience — foundations for long-term wellbeing.

Parenting doesn’t require perfect conversations. It simply asks for curiosity. The next time your child walks in the door, try one of these questions instead — you may be surprised how quickly the conversation opens, and how much stronger the connection becomes.

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