Navigating the Emotional Minefield: Triggers Between Parents and Teens Explained

A trauma-informed perspective inspired by Dr. Gabor Maté Keywords: active listening, parent-teen communication, emotional regulation, co-regulation, ADHD parenting, attachment-based parenting, nervous system regulation, connection over control

When conflict erupts between parents and teenagers, it often feels sudden — a calm chat turns into shouting, or silence stretches for days. Dr Gabor Maté (2021) describes this dynamic through the metaphor of the emotional gun.

 The metaphor of the emotional gun which releases the underlying emotional pain when triggered

A gun only fires if it’s loaded. The trigger itself isn’t dangerous — it releases what’s already inside. In relationships, the “bullet” is stored emotional pain: unresolved stress, unmet needs, and trauma buried in our nervous system (Maté, 2010). The “trigger” is the event that releases it — an eye-roll, a sarcastic tone, a slammed door.

When parents and teens clash, it’s rarely about the moment. It’s about what that moment represents — the echo of unhealed experiences, a core theme in trauma-informed parenting research (Porges, 2011; Siegel & Bryson, 2018).

What’s Loaded in the Emotional Gun

Each of us carries emotional residue from childhood. Parents may hold memories of feeling unseen or pressured; teens may carry frustration about not being understood.

When those memories surface, the amygdala (the fear center of our brain) perceives threat, releasing stress hormones that override the thinking brain (Siegel, 2012). Dr Maté (2010) calls this “the echo of the original wound.”

A teen may interpret structure as control, while a parent experiences resistance as rejection. When both nervous systems react, the polyvagal system (Porges, 2011) shifts into survival mode — fight, flight, or freeze. The result: words fire before empathy can intervene.

If you're child or you as a parent have been diagnosed with ADHD, please read the following two sections, otherwise go to "How to Disarm the Emotional Weapon".

When ADHD Adds More Ammunition

Families living with ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) often experience intensified emotional reactions. Dr Maté (1999) reframes ADHD as a stress-adaptation, not a character flaw — the product of a developing brain coping with early emotional overload.

Research by Russell Barkley (2014) and Thomas Brown (2017) supports this, showing ADHD involves impaired executive function and emotional regulation.

Children and teens with ADHD often feel emotions at full volume, yet lack tools to manage them. A simple “Please focus” may feel like “You’re not good enough.”

Parents without this context may misread impulsivity as disrespect.

The antidote is co-regulation — when the adult’s calm nervous system steadies the child’s. This principle, rooted in attachment theory (Bowlby, 1988; Siegel & Hartzell, 2003), helps re-wire both brains toward safety and connection.

Co-regulation leads to the adult’s calm nervous system also calming the child’s/teenager's nervous system.

When Both Parent and Teen Have ADHD

When both parent and teenager live with ADHD, emotional dynamics become even more complex. ADHD traits — impulsivity, distractibility, hyperfocus, and emotional intensity — can mirror one another, creating a feedback loop of frustration.

The parent, managing their own executive-function deficits (Barkley, 2014), may react impulsively or struggle to follow through on boundaries. The teen, equally reactive, interprets that as inconsistency or unfairness. Both end up firing emotional “bullets” before reflection.

Dr Maté (1999) and Thomas Brown (2017) describe ADHD as a condition of emotional dysregulation. Neuroimaging studies confirm heightened amygdala reactivity and reduced prefrontal control (Shaw et al., 2014). When both share this wiring, conflict escalation is faster — but so is the capacity for empathy once awareness grows.

Evidence-based strategies:

• Acknowledge the shared struggle.  Naming ADHD as a shared brain difference reduces shame (Maté, 1999).

• Create structure together.  Visual schedules and reminders improve family functioning (Barkley, 2014).

• Pause for co-regulation.  Brief time-outs allow both brains to reset (Safren et al., 2017).

• Use humour and compassion.  Positive affect repairs relationships (Brown, 2017; Gottman & DeClaire, 1997).

• Seek ADHD-informed therapy or coaching.  Family-based CBT and psychoeducation strengthen communication and emotional regulation (Safren et al., 2017).

When both parent and teen recognise that triggers stem from neurological sensitivity rather than moral failure, compassion usually replaces criticism. Awareness becomes the safety mechanism that “unloads” the emotional weapon.

How to Disarm the Emotional Weapon

Healing communication requires awareness, not control. When you feel the urge to “fire” — to shout, punish, or retreat — pause.

Ask yourself: “What emotion am I experiencing right now? Is this useful for our relationship?”

“Is this about my child, or something that is older and inside me?”

This reflective pause engages the prefrontal cortex and restores emotional balance (Siegel, 2012). Once calm, speak from vulnerability rather than defense — an approach proven to de-escalate family tension (Gottman & Levenson, 2000).

Instead of: “You never listen!”

Try: “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard.”

The first fires a bullet; the second opens a bridge. Continue with a follow-up question.   Here are very short parent versions examples with curious follow-up questions: Option 1 – very gentle “I feel a bit hurt when I don’t feel heard. Can you help me understand what’s going on for you right now?”

Option 2 – calm and connecting “I’m not angry — I just feel a bit hurt when it feels like my words don’t land. What’s it like from your side?”

Option 3 – supportive mum/dad tone “I care about us getting along, and I feel a bit hurt when I don’t feel listened to. Is there something I’m missing?”

Option 4 – extra de-escalating “This isn’t a lecture, I promise — I just feel a bit hurt when I don’t feel heard. What do you need from me right now?”

Option 5 – short & effective (often best with teens) “I feel a bit hurt when I don’t feel heard. Can we reset and try again?”

Option 6 – very Kiwi-natural “I feel a bit hurt when it feels like I’m not being heard. What’s going on for you at the moment?”

Parent tip: Ask the question → pause → let the silence do the work. Teens often need a bit of time before responding.

Good communication requires awareness and active listening, not control.

Active Listening: Reflect, Validate, and Stay Curious

Active listening transforms parent-teen conflict into connection, especially in ADHD families (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997; Siegel, 2013). It builds empathy, trust, and co-regulation skills critical for parent-teen communication.

Steps for active listening:

1. Pause before responding — silence signals safety.
   

2. Reflect their emotion — paraphrase or repeat what your teen expresses to show understanding:

   • Teen: “I hate all this homework!”

     • Parent: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated with how much work you have.”

   • Teen: “You’re always nagging me about cleaning my room!”

     • Parent: “It seems like you’re feeling annoyed because it feels like I’m constantly reminding you.”

   • Teen: “I can’t handle this anymore!”

     • Parent: “I can see that this situation feels really overwhelming for you right now.”

   • Parent can invite expansion: “I hear that you’re upset about this. Can you tell me more about what’s bothering you?”(Reflecting emotions helps teens feel heard, regulates their nervous system, and reduces defensiveness — Siegel, 2013; Barkley, 2014)
     

3. Validate their feelings — acknowledge the teen’s emotional experience without judging behaviour:

   • “I can see that you’re really frustrated right now.”

   • “It makes sense that you’re upset — anyone would feel that way in this situation.”

   • “I hear that you want more control over this project. Let’s figure out a plan together.”(Validation helps build trust, emotional literacy, and co-regulation skills — Gottman & DeClaire, 1997; Siegel, 2013)
     

4. Stay curious — ask questions instead of defending:

   • “Can you tell me more about why that upset you?”

   • “What would make this easier for you right now?”

   • “How were you feeling when that happened?”

   • “Help me understand what you need from me in this moment.”

   • “Is there something I said that made you feel dismissed?”(Curiosity fosters dialogue, reduces conflict escalation, and supports emotional regulation — Gottman & Levenson, 2000; Siegel, 2013)
     

5. End with connection — a gentle touch, eye contact, or “Thanks for telling me. I hear you.”
   

By combining reflection, validation, and curiosity, parents can reduce reactive patterns, strengthen parent-teen relationships, and model emotional regulation. This is especially effective in families impacted by ADHD or trauma, where emotional reactivity can escalate quickly (Maté, 1999; Barkley, 2014; Siegel, 2013).

 Reflection, validation, and curiosity, parents can strengthen parent-teen relationships,

Choosing Connection Over Control

Parent-teen communication isn’t about winning — it’s about staying connected through differences. True authority comes from presence and empathy, not fear.

As Dr. Gabor Maté reminds us: “Children don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who are present.”

When the emotional gun is unloaded, and triggers are met with compassion, families heal generational pain. Every pause, every breath, every act of listening disarms the pattern — one gentle choice at a time.

Children don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who are present. Choose connection over control

References

• Barkley, R. A. (2014). Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment. Guilford Press.

• Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.

• Brown, T. E. (2017). Smart but Stuck: Emotions in Teens and Adults with ADHD. Jossey-Bass.

• Coan, J. A., & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Social Baseline Theory: The Social Regulation of Emotion. Psychonomic Bulletin & Review, 22(1), 1-24.

• Gottman, J., & DeClaire, J. (1997). The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.

• Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The Timing of Divorce: Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce Over a 14-Year Period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737-745.

• Maté, G. (1999). Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder. Vintage Canada.

• Maté, G. (2010). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books.

• Maté, G. (2021). The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture. Penguin Random House.

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. Norton.

• Safren, S. A., Sprich, S. E., Perlis, R. H., et al. (2017). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for ADHD in Adults: An Integrative Approach. Guilford Press.

• Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion Dysregulation in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 276-293.

• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind. Guilford Press.

• Siegel, D. J. (2013). Parenting from the Inside Out. Tarcher Perigee.

• Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2018). The Yes Brain. Bantam.

• Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out. Tarcher Perigee.

• Steinberg, L. (2014). Age of Opportunity. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.